You might do whatever you want, but get married first

I recently read somewhere that a female praying mantis bites off the head of the male after mating. It reminded me of a Luo idiom for a man who dies while still a bachelor despite being of marriage age. We say he died with his head. Some crazy rituals had to be carried out before he was buried for failing to propagate the human species. But I think it could it be a case of fearing to “lose his head” than propagate his genes?

A while back, as the Kenyan society and especially Nairobi grew, it was common to find many a beautiful middle aged women, stable financially but single. Today, there is a breed of straight men in their forties, good job, good car, living in good neighbourhoods but very single, and as they say, happy.

Back in the day a man would remain single for long only if there was an unexplainable private problem. Even under such circumstances, the society had a way of saving face for them. When did men begin to fear “losing their head” and be happy while at it?

I am writing this as a man who as per my society’s standards married late, in my mid-thirties. Is there a drop in the number of marriageable ladies? The modern girl is hard wired for independence. No way a man is going to domesticate her on his terms. The marriage scene has changed over the years so much that it is understandable if some men are scared.

When the hunter learned to aim without missing, the bird had to learn to fly without perching. Men become so good at disappointing ladies that the gender that talked to the snake decided to create structures against disappointments. It was not only a defensive measure, some ladies even became better at playing dirty in relationships and marriage.

This change in ladies has left many men wounded, bewildered and happily single. They are antelopes caught in car headlights. Transactional mode of relationships is another reason.

What are you bringing to the table is the question of questions. The push for fifty-fifty sharing in chores and footing of bills has pulled the man down from the pedestal in marriages. A man derived satisfaction from providing for his woman and family. Now that provision is not very important. Women can provide for themselves, which means men have lost some aspects of “headship” which scares the single he gender. The romance our fathers substituted with provision is now the glue that holds a relationship. An African man and romance, especially public display of affection, is like politics and the truth, strange bedfellows.

Nevertheless, as the current generation struggles to hold down long term relationships, leave alone settling down, marriage is still the ultimate source of human happiness.

Harvard University’s Study of Adult Development has been running since 1938. The study picked over 700 teenage Americans, half of who were students at Harvard and half from Boston’s poorest neighbourhoods.

Most of them believed that fame, wealth and achievements were important for a happy life. Then the researchers followed them throughout their lives until death. They have now incorporated some of their children.

The group produced one American president, industry leaders and alcoholics and delinquents as well. As of 2017, nineteen of them were still alive. The research looked at their whole lives, careers, family, health and many other areas.

They concluded that it is not what we owned or achieved but good relationships that keep us happier and healthier, in the long run.

The people who were satisfied with their relationships at the age of fifty were happier and healthier at the age of eighty. Good relationships also protect our brains. Deep and quality relationships lead to strong memory in old age.

Our expectations could be way too high to be fulfilled by human effort. But all these fade in importance as we grow older. What makes us happy is the human connections we built, which we tend to ignore as we chase wealth.

Michelle Obama shared that in her over thirty years in marriage, some ten years were difficult. She and husband Barrack just chose to concentrate on the twenty good years.

Marriage works.